Some Thoughts on Parenting

I have recently returned to work from my paternity leave. I really enjoyed my time with my youngest and am grateful to SAS for providing 8 weeks of paid paternity leave – a benefit that remains uncommon in the United States. This precious time allowed me to bond with my youngest child and navigate the dynamic world of parenting four children whose ages span from infancy to the teenage years.

The playgrounds and family events I attended with my kids this summer provided me not only with a lot of joy, but also an opportunity to think about how parenting differs between my native Germany and my current home in the U.S. Overall, I’ve found that some of the cultural norms I’ll note below make parenting more burdensome and difficult than they have to be. I’ve noticed myself gradually adapting to some of these attitudes, despite trying to maintain awareness of my own ideas and ideals about parenting. But there is good reason to believe that most parenting choices do not permanently affect our children’s future in the way we’d like to think, unless we parent somewhat far outside the norm of our cultural environment.

One of the cultural norms I find unhelpful I mostly encounter at American playgrounds. I have observed a pattern of near-constant supervision, with parents actively engaging with their children almost non-stop. It seems like many parents can’t let 90 seconds pass without saying something to their child, whether that’s praise, a word of caution, or instructions on how to play. It’s rare to see a parent sitting back to chat with fellow adults while their children explore independently – unless they’ve arrived as a prearranged group. This approach often seems odd to me and the other German expatriates I’ve spoken with.

This may be partially attributed to America’s obsession with child safety, particularly fears of child abduction. Parents follow their children closely, avoiding any loss of visual contact or distances of more than a few feet. As a personal example of this, I can think of an incident where my about 2-year old playfully closed a store’s glass door with me just on the other side. Although the surrounding area was clear and we had good visibility due to the glass door and glass walls, my wife’s anxiety kicked in. What if someone ran up to snatch our child away? This echoes a common American concern and other American moms could related to her feelings. As an immigrant, this level of concern strikes me as out of proportion, especially when considering actual child abduction statistics. According to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, there were only 366 reported cases of non-family abductions over the five years from 2016-2020, with over half involving someone known to the family. In the 0-5 age group, a mere 190 cases were reported. While each case is undoubtedly tragic, we have to weigh the actual risks to our children against the potential drawbacks of our attempts at minimizing said risks. Given that the risk of pediatric stranger abduction is lower than the risk of death by pediatric vehicular heatstroke, it seems to me it’s not worth it to impede our children’s growth toward independence and self-confidence in public by attempts to further minimize such a remote risk.

Another observation I’ve made is the tendency to treat children of various ages as if they were in the 7-12 age range. Toddlers face unrealistic expectations regarding emotional regulation, partiularly in public, while teens often appear to be coddled, delaying their progression into adulthood.

Overall, parenting in the U.S. appears excessively child-centric. There’s a prevailing cultural expectation to constantly entertain children, as if boredom is a calamity to be avoided at all costs. But children are good at entertaining themselves when we let them. The ultimate goal of parenting should be to raise self-sufficient adults, not perpetual playmates.

A book that I’ve found helpful on these cultural differences and that explores alternative approaches is Michaeleen Doucleff’s “Hunt, Gather, Parent.” I find her writing style a bit annoying, but the book’s insights are incredibly valuable. Jeremy Kun’s blog provides an excellent summary of the key insights. I’ve condensed them below. See Jeremy’s blog for more details.

• How to think about your child and your role as a parent:
  1. Your child “has no brain” (=is predictably irrational).
  2. Your job is to teach your child to think.
  3. Your child mirrors your energy.
  4. Speech is a stimulant.
  5. Children want to be like their parents.
• Actionable advice:
  1. Say less.
  2. Quiz you child on good behavior, and focus on bad outcomes.
  3. Do your own thing, and let your kid participate (but never force them).
  4. Use monsters and stories to drive values.

Bryan Caplan’s book “Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids” offers another perspective that can help alleviate the pressures of modern American parenting. Caplan in essence argues that many parents today engage in intensive parenting practices that the parents don’t enjoy (and sometimes, the kids don’t either) but that have little long-term impact on children, while overlooking simpler, more effective strategies that foster strong family bonds. He encourages parents to focus on what really matters and to keep our worries and fears about our children’s future in check.

Here are 5 takeways from Caplan’s book:

1. Rethink Parental Investment: Caplan suggests that parents often overestimate the influence of intensive parenting on their children’s outcomes. He encourages a more relaxed approach that doesn’t sacrifice parental happiness for marginal gains in child development.

2. Genetics Play a Major Role: The book emphasizes the significant impact of genetics over upbringing. Caplan argues that nature has a stronger hand than nurture in many aspects of a child’s future, such as intelligence and personality traits.

3. Enjoy Parenting More: By worrying less about optimizing every aspect of their children’s lives, parents can enjoy the experience of parenting more, reducing stress and increasing the overall happiness of the family.

4. Long-term Relationship Building: Caplan advises parents to focus on cultivating a positive, long-lasting relationship with their children, as this has a profound and enduring impact on both the parents' and children’s well-being.

5. Consider Having More Kids: With the understanding that parenting can be less intensive and still very successful, Caplan encourages parents to consider the benefits of having more children, such as the joys of a larger family and the support siblings can provide to each other throughout their lives.

Both books effectively challenge the conventional approach to modern American parenting and offer valuable insights on creating a more relaxed, independent, and I would argue ultimately healthier approach to raising future adults.